Summary
Sasha shares another powerful conversation with her hubs, Robbie, this time about how and where selfcare fits in the marriage relationship.
Sasha and Robbie attack the idea of selfcare in marriage from two different angles, not just how you can support your spouse in making sure their selfcare needs are met, but also from the perspective of the two of you being one flesh and how your marriage itself needs selfcare too.
Together they share ideas for marriage selfcare while Robbie also shares about selfcare for men…. yes, men need selfcare too and it can sometimes look completely different than selfcare for women.
Last call for the Simple Biblical Selfcare Masterclass taking place Saturday, April 2nd. Register here to get in the zoom and receive a copy of the replay: https://intentionalabundance.life/simpleselfcare
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Would you benefit from having a coach helping you live Productively Peaceful days digging into Faithful Foundations, Purposeful Priorities, Mindset Mastery, & Simple Selfcare? Schedule a consult with Sasha to learn more about the IAM Coaching Program and to see if you’d be a good it. https://calendly.com/intentionalabundanceco/iamconsult
You’re invited to join us in the Productively Peaceful Moms Club over on facebook! It’s a safe space where we can show up vulnerably and encourage each other, where ere share the mission of being the best mommas we can be through the grace and strength of Jesus Christ, where we encourage consistency and are able to hold each other accountable. We share scripture and talk about podcast episodes and pray for each other and set goals and so much more! You’re more than welcome here, you’re wanted here! https://www.facebook.com/groups/IntentionalAbundance — Send in a voice message: https://anchor.fm/intentional-abundance/message Support this podcast: https://anchor.fm/intentional-abundance/support
Transcription
Sasha Star Robertson 0:01
Hello sisters, and welcome back to another episode of the Intentional Abundant Life podcast. I’m your host Sasha Starr Robertson, and it is the last Thursday of the month. So here we are with my fabulous husband, Robbie Robertson, and today we’re still talking about self-care. So this is in a little bit different of a context. This is where does self-care fit in the marriage relationship? And we’re gonna be talking about two different things. One is keeping romance and intimacy alive in your relationship via relationship self-care, marriage self-care if you will. And then also the idea of supporting each other in our self-care routines and activities. And this is something that yeah, I don’t know if you realize but men need self-care too.
Sasha Star Robertson 0:48
I want to start us off with a few definitions of self-care because I realized wow, I’ve kind of skipped over this idea, a little bit of just like what are some generic definitions of self-care? And I really do appreciate this one The WHO defines self-care as the ability of individuals, families, and communities to promote health, prevent disease, maintain health, and cope with illness and disability with or without the support of a health care provider. And I thought that was a really interesting perspective.
Sasha Star Robertson 1:20
Another definition is the practice of taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health, which is the proactive approach and then kind of a little bit more, I think the reactive approach, is the practice of taking an active role in protecting one’s own well being and happiness in a particularly stressful period. And I think this is what most people kind of have a tendency to fall into, is they only think of self-care in those stressful situations or when it’s kind of that emergency response instead of taking that proactive approach to being a proper steward and managing our health and well being, mind, soul, heart, and strength, self-care, all in one. So Robbie, in the idea of self-care in the marriage relationship keeping romance and intimacy alive kind of being the goal, what is self-care in a marriage look like to you?
Robbie Robertson 2:16
Self Care in the marriage is specific to the two people that are inside of that marriage. So you and I have a lot of values that are the same type of values, something that we both care for. We both love traveling. We both love exploring, and we absolutely dig experience we think experience is a much greater value than any individual object. So going places, doing things, I know that like when you and I have the opportunity to go on a cruise that is like, a huge benefit in our lives. And I think that’s a huge form of self-care. But in general, just dating, going for dates. If it’s just you and I going to a movie or getting pedicures which guys, pedicures are fantastic, you should get one if you don’t. We have talked about that a few episodes ago. But times where we can focus on each other and things that bring us joy, collectively, you and I together.
Sasha Star Robertson 2:18
Even just going on a drive can be self-care. It’s something that we really enjoy doing together, more difficult with a toddler, you know, but we even still try sometimes on nap times to go for a little drive and be able to have that conversation or listen to music.
Robbie Robertson 2:53
I’m glad that you brought that up. Road tripping is one of my absolute favorite forms of our couple self-care. It’s nice because we’re both going down the road, we’re exploring new places, we’re able to have really good conversations and it’s just you and I. We can also sit in the quiet and we can also listen to music. We’ve done Bible studies on road trips before. We’ve had deep discussions about what is the next season of our life going to look like by our plans, you know, understanding that God obviously makes his own edits to those plans. Are we going to adopt, are we going to get a dog, are we going to move houses, are we going to move to a different state, are we going to change career fields? Almost every one of these has happened behind a steering wheel. And I’ve always come back from a road trip with you feeling very filled up. My favorite road trip was when we drove the Alcan that was like 4500 miles?
Sasha Star Robertson 4:28
I’m due for an Alcan trip.
Robbie Robertson 4:30
Exactly! Exactly!
Sasha Star Robertson 4:32
If anybody needs some goods hauled from Alaska to anywhere or anywhere to Alaska, please hire me.
Robbie Robertson 4:44
Robertson hauling!
Sasha Star Robertson 4:47
Yeah. We’e even recorded podcast episodes on little road trips that we’ve done when Solo is napping in the back seat. So, just encouraging I guess, don’t discount those spaces that you can have those deeper and more intimate relationships with your spouse. That you can speak openly and freely and talk about some things, whether it’s things in the past, things in yourself, in individual lives going on, or things together about your future.
Robbie Robertson 5:33
Yeah, it’s just really good at refilling the cup. I forget it was one of our counselors we were talking to one day. It might have even been Ellie Sanchez. She was on the show before. She had said that driving down the road is actually a really great form of having a deep conversation because you’re not necessarily facing each other but you’re in that same space occupied. So, you’re more comfortable to have like an open conversation and there’s stuff going on outside so you’ve got kind of multiple inputs, but you’re able to focus on the conversation at hand. I always thought that was a pretty huge revelation.
Sasha Star Robertson 6:19
Yeah. That’s a great point and when you mentioned that, it was instantly recalled in my memory of one of the EMDR sessions that she had walked me through was imagining driving down a road. It’s really interesting that she had mentioned that to you but I recall her in a discussion about a road trip or driving down the road in a completely different context but I mean, even thinking about that EMDR and how deep it goes it was just like yeah, let’s do this. Let’s have these really great and really powerful and intimate conversations because nine times out of ten when you have those conversations with your spouse, good things come from them. Even if the conversations are really hard, good things come from them. And so I strongly encourage that. Even just going to dinner and sitting down and talking and having a conversation because between having a business or multiple businesses and a full-time career that you have to commute to and parenting and fellowship and volunteering.
Sasha Star Robertson 7:22
Like, the world and our surroundings and our environment can just get so loud sometimes. And it’s very easy to just not even sit down and have a conversation with our spouse. We were even at the gym the other day and we were running and I get shortwinded sooner, so it gives Robbie an opportunity to speak a little bit more and so, he asked me a question and I was able to… We were able to have this adult one-on-one conversation. And he’s like I’m really struggling with this idea or with this question and the first thing that came to my mind, I just spoke to him and he’s like, Wow, that’s great, that’s the answer. And he had been struggling with this for like three days. And I’m like, I wish you had come to me sooner, and he’s like, Yeah, there just literally was not an opportunity because we were kind of like passing mid-day. We just had such a busy schedule that week that it was really difficult for us to be able to sit down and have those conversations sometimes.
Sasha Star Robertson 8:18
And so just remembering that your marriage is the most important thing. And I think about, Well, how does self-care fit into marriage right? Just this idea of self-care and God’s just bringing to me this idea in scripture about how the husband is supposed to leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife and they have become one flesh. And so when you’re thinking about your marriage and the identity and sanctity of your marriage, the two of you have become one when you have wed together. And so she is you and you are her. And you are together. So, your marriage is a self of its own, if you will, and there has to be connection. There has to be conversation, there has to be intimacy in that relationship for it to last.
Robbie Robertson 9:15
I couldn’t have said it better myself. You took the words right out of my mouth. And almost going back to the first pint, you leave your parents to cleave to your wife. That’s the reason you don’t put your children ahead of your spouse because one day they’re going to leave you and cleave to their spouse as well. So if you’re feeling a little bit of guilt of well I’m leaving my kids behind, your kids are going to leave yoou behind. At least i they play by the rules.
Sasha Star Robertson 9:39
Yeah. That’s a great point. I really hope we don’t have 35 year olds living in our basement.
Robbie Robertson 9:45
They’re going to be paying rent and doing chores.
Sasha Star Robertson 9:48
Okay, so the next part of the conversation is supporting each other in our self-care. And I think even this kind of has multiple parts. I’ve talked a lot on the podcast about self-care and Biblical self-care and self-care for moms and all kinds of stuff. I even have a masterclass coming up this Saturday, April 2, if you are listening to his on its release date or shortly thereafter that I would encourage you to jump into if you are a busy woman, a busy mom, who is struggling with this idea of self-care or even implementing the routine of self-care, don’t even know what you enjoy anymore. But I think that also leaves out the idea of men and our husbands needing self-care too. I don’t even think I’ve ever seen it talked about anywhere that men need self-care.
Sasha Star Robertson 10:49
And Robbie had said to me, and this was maybe even a month ago, a few weeks ago when we knew we were going to do this episode, he was kind of struggling. And I was just like are you okay? I could just notice that there was this lack of peace in him and maybe some mental or emotional struggle going on, and he said you know I just feel like I really am slacking in the self-care department. And I was just like, Whoa! I’ve never heard a man say that. And so we started having a conversation a little bit about it, and so Robbie, I want you to just kind of share what is your idea of slef-care? What was on your mind that day and what were you thinking about in terms of self-care for men or self-care for dads?
Robbie Robertson 11:30
You know as men we try to carry the load. We know that we’re the strong back and we do what we can to be as supportive and try do all the things which I think moms do it, but I’m not a mom so I’m not going to speak to it, but I am a dad and husband and a professional and I definitely try to do all the things and I try to do them all well. And one thing that men are very acutely bad at is recognizing our own burnout. In between working 40, 40 plus hours a week and then coming home and being a dad and being a Mr. Fix-It and the car mechanic and just trying to do all the things, my own self-care was falling to the wayside and that was really coupled with a schedule change that just happened where I started working swing shift.
Robbie Robertson 12:19
So, I would get home short of 3, 3:30 in the morning, and go to bed right away. I don’t have any reason to stay up. And my son would wake up at 8:30 almost on the dot every day and that was when my day began. So, you start stringing together three, four, and five days of five hours of sleep and it really starts to wear on your thirty-something, forty-something-year-old body. So, that along with the very busy season we were going through at that time, my cup was getting pretty empty and I was starting to feel feelings that that aren’t mine. I was starting to feel anger, resentment, bitterness, and things along with just my raw exhaustion.
Robbie Robertson 13:02
And I just needed time to do something to help me replenish myself. And that looks a little bit different for everybody but I think a few things kind of stay the same. I, for one, benefit from taking a nap, like a mid-day afternoon nap for 20 minutes to 2 hours. It will be a revelation. I think in the instance that you’re referencing, there were some things going on with my car, which I’m mechanically inclined, I fix things for a living. And there were things I knew how to do and I had the tools for, the parts for and the one thing I didn’t have was just the time to do it. And I remember asking you specifically can I have this day to work on these things. And you were gracious enough to give me that time and we carved it out and we made it happen. And by the end of it, I had gotten to do this car maintenance, but I didn’t totally realize it at the time I got to do this soul maintenance.
Sasha Star Robertson 13:59
Soul maintenance, you got to do this soul maintenance. What’s that?
Robbie Robertson 14:02
When you’re working with your hands a lot of times you’re not necessarily thinking completely about what you’re doing. It’s not like when you’re filing taxes and your brain power’s running. Your mind is able to filter through other thoughts. People that run kind of understand this and a lot of people do thinking in the shower. I can do thinking while I work on stuff. And it gave me a lot of time to reflect. It gave me a lot of time to pray and to just have that time to just be with God, be with the Lord, while I was being with the Acura. and it gave me time to reflect on some of the important verses that come up in my life like Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving present your requests to God, and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. And that was a really powerful thing to be doing because I was praying and petitioning the Lord in this to help me be a better dad, that has more patience and more strength and love for my son and that I can exude that. But also help me to be a better husband to support my wife and what she’s doing, but also help me keep this roof over our head but help me keep all of this going on from inside of me.
Robbie Robertson 7:42
And I also thought about it like, Thank you for giving me this home and this family, Lord. This house, like I’m in a nice, warm garage in Alaska working. One of my best friends was outside working on his car the other day and he had to do it outside in like 5-degree weather. That is no fun. So, it helped bring me back to that centered space where I needed to be and I got to do it working with my hands which is huge because that is how my body will flow energy is by physically moving. I’m like a big child. And it was able to clear out my head and my heart to have this space to welcome the Lord into it and to just kind of be with me in it. And that was really big and I don’t know if I thanked you for that day, but if I didn’t, thank you very much because that did a lot for me that day.
Sasha Star Robertson 16:31
Awesome. See, that’s so great to hear and that brings up kind of what I was going to talk about, is just recognizing what it is that we need or at least what it is that we are believing that we need. And so I laugh because you had said sometimes you just need to take a nap because you’re short on sleep. And it’s like, we can’t discount that as being self-care. For one, we need sleep, our bodies need it. It is a physiological need that we have and I think sometimes we can discount that as like is a nap really honoring God? Well actually yeah, I think back to I think it’s in 1 Kings where Elijah, God’s like eat and take a nap is what he’s told to do. I think an angel even comes to him and tells him eat and sleep. So, remembering that even in those things we can be honoring God in our actions.
Sasha Star Robertson 17:30
But in just hearing what it is that Robbie needed for me was one, recognizing there’s something going on with my husband, right? And husbands can do this. There’s something going on with my wife. What is it that you need? And then also being willing to listen and make the space for them to get what they need whether it’s a nap or whether it’s even working on your car. So, I really, really love that you’re like working on my car and it was great for my soul and I’m like, Okay, well… I’m thinking to myself, How is that great for your soul? And you even talked about it because it’s that space for you where you’re able to be active with your hands and allow your mind to just process some of your thoughts and get quiet and not be intellectually challenged. It’s a space where multitasking is somewhat acceptable, right? I think multitasking is a major fallacy in our world big picture, but there are certain places, right? Like driving, you can listen to a podcast or an audiobook or pray or listen to worship music. But finding that place for you where you’re able to get quiet, where you’re able to let your mind just process. So, I love that you talked about you know, it might be this kind of worldly or superficial thing about this area of self-care. I’m going to work on my car and that’s self-care for me as a man.
Sasha Star Robertson 19:11
But women don’t discount that, don’t discredit that just like he might think you getting a pedicure or taking a bath is bad. But especially if you’re going into that in a place of like this is a time where I’m able to bring glory to God or draw in near to Him and grow in my relationship with Him, to pray and get quiet and think about this scripture verse. I’m just like, round of applause, thumbs up, now I know why car maintenance is so great for you. It’s not just because you love cars and you love maintenance. It was also a time where you got to fellowship with somebody else too because you had invited a friend over to work with you. I think it was like a twelve to fifteen-hour day that you were able to just go and do that and I’m glad to hear that it was so rewarding for you and that I was able to support you in that. And then hearing this feedback and what you used that time to do just makes me want to support you in that and make more space for you to do it in other ways.
Sasha Star Robertson 20:08
And I’m also super grateful for how much you do support me in my self-care. You’ve allowed me to even go away for a hotel or Airbnb for one night just to like pray and get quiet and read scripture. You’re always very supportive of taking care of Solo so I can finish my Bible study or just get quiet and journal with the Lord or take a bath or whatever it is. And that’s truly the stuff that I need in those times to refill my cup or fill it up so it is overflowing and I am able to show up in a way that is more powerful and more effective for the Kingdom, for my family, for my spouse, and for my kids.
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