Summary
Christian Moms are meant to give their life for their children, right?!
To make sacrifices for our family daily.
To serve and serve and serve…
Have you ever wondered if your self-sacrifice in motherhood is Biblical or damaging?
Maybe, maybe not…
But it’s important to consider whether your actions are truly leading your children in the way they should go?
Whether you’re living out an example of Biblical truths.
Have you explored the fine line of whether you’re setting yourself and family up for success?
Or if you’re making decisions in the moment or focused on people pleasing or based on character development and raising adults?
Sasha believes when we keep stepping in to Christ’s place as savior and his role in our children’s lives, it’s not producing the fruits that are most desirable.
Listen in to check the fine line on your self-sacrifice in motherhood, ask yourself some thought provoking questions, and then come to the Intentional Momlife with Jesus Community on Facebook to chat about it! https://www.facebook.com/groups/IntentionalAbundance
Transcription
0:00
Welcome to the Intentional Momife with Jesus Podcast. Today I am talking about a pretty difficult topic, something that might be pretty heavy for you to listen in on and to process. Don’t worry, there are not any trigger warnings or anything like that. But I just wanted to give you that kind of preface before going in because today we are talking about a savior complex or martyrdom, Messiah Complex in motherhood. Okay? And I think this podcast is really going to have the power to shift the way that you’re thinking about yourself, the way that you’re thinking about God, the way you’re thinking about your children, and even the way that you’re showing up in motherhood.
0:50
Jingle
1:20
I’m just going to start off with a bold statement, that self-sacrifice and martyrdom do not make you a better mom. Okay? I think this idea of a savior complex that the reason that I think of it is because it’s a big buzzword or a buzz topic in the adoption community. I think a lot of times, adoptive parents can almost, whether consciously or subconsciously, pick up this idea or belief of a savior complex, right? This child was in an orphanage or, you know, in the foster system, or whatever else. And I adopted this child, I’m now parenting this child, loving the child nurturing the child, giving it these life experiences, whatever else, and whether intentional or not, I think a savior complex is something that can be easily picked up right? I think a lot of the things others talk about like others’ words can back this up right like oh that child’s so lucky to have you, like thank God for you doing this, and whatever else. Okay. And this was like something that I was just like, oh my goodness, is this a real thing? Is this real life?
3:28
You know, when I first heard about it, I know I believe as an adoptive mom that I am the lucky one to have my child, right? My child was separated from their biological parents at birth. That is not a lucky thing. That is not a thing to be blessed by in most situations and sure my child might be having experiences in life that he maybe would not have had he been had he not been adopted. Right. But I don’t know that for sure. Right. I’m not God. I don’t get to know all the potential outcomes and different ways life could have played out. And I will say that I think mixing our beliefs and Scripture and different things like that with the adoption world can get really, really mucky. So I’m not getting into that topic here today. But I will say that this idea of Savior-ism or the savior complex in the adoption world in that has really brought it into perspective for me, but I don’t think it’s limited to just that area.
4:44
I see this a lot in just motherhood across the board. And so that is where this had kind of come up from right? And this is a podcast that I actually recorded, like eight months ago, but I didn’t put it out because it was really clunky. And I just really felt like the Lord. This was a message that the Lord has like given me to talk about, but what I had recorded then wasn’t right. Like it just wasn’t vibing and so He’s bringing it up multiple times this past week, and given me more information brought scripture to light about it and so I just wanted to come on here and share all of this with you guys and ask you some really powerful questions that we’re going to get to at the end. Okay?
5:33
So, I think, for one I do want to say, holding this belief whether it is conscious or subconscious right, of a savior complex or Messiah Complex in motherhood, is truly damaging. And so I just want to bring this into awareness and encourage you guys to check some of the stuff that we’re going to talk about today on this podcast episode. I know, and if you’re listening to this, I know you probably know as well that we have one savior. One and that is Jesus Christ. Can I get an amen? I know that you can agree with me on that point, right? But oftentimes in motherhood, we often step into His place in His role. And when we do that, it is not producing the fruits that are most desirable in our lives, nor our children’s lives. In fact, we might even be stepping in and taking the place of savior in motherhood and other relationships and preventing the Holy Spirit from working in the lives of others.
6:34
And I know that some of you are probably already mentally arguing with me and might be thinking But Sasha, mothers should sacrifice themselves for their kids. And I’m not going to say that you’re wrong. But what I want to do is take a deeper look at this. What does scripture say about motherhood versus what culture and society can sometimes say about motherhood and draw this kind of finer line from what I have been able to glean throughout all of it? So first, let’s start off by defining a savior complex, what is a savior complex in the first place? It’s something that occurs when individuals believe that their job or purpose is to help those around them. Okay, yeah, we can checkmark that that’s motherhood. Right. I think we can all agree on that.
7:21
A savior complex is also meaning that we are expected, even if it’s our own expectations, to sacrifice our own interests and well-being in the effort to aid another. Okay. Yeah, there’s a little bit of a gray area there. And motherhood as well, like, especially a new mom. You’re not going to get eight hours of sleep. You’re lucky to probably get five broken up, right? You’re gonna be woken up multiple times throughout the night, you’re going to be sacrificing your body to your children. And so there are a lot of times a lot of seasons in motherhood, where we are going to be sacrificing our own interests whether you know, majorly or minorly for the well-being of our children. But it’s not a constant and perpetual thing for all of motherhood.
8:11
I actually had one of my first guests on the show back in January 2022, Ellie Sanchez, was a counselor and she talked about when we bring home these little infants, right they’re helpless like they cannot do anything without us, but then it’s so hard for us to get out of that mindset that they can’t do anything without us. And we have a tendency to not be able to let go and allow them to form into their own human beings, right? Going back into the savior complex condition. The key part I think about this is when it’s making us feel good about ourselves, only when we are helping someone else. And we’re not feeling good about ourselves when we’re helping ourselves or taking care of our own well-being. And I think this part of the definition of a savior complex is definitely something to look into and break apart. Because, yeah, a huge part of motherhood is like laying down our lives in the service to aid one another.
9:27
But I think biblical womanhood is to be helpers to our husband as stewards of our home and to take care of that to raise and nurture and grow our children to love and serve the Lord. One of my favorite verses, passages, that I come back to time and time again that I dubbed the Motherhood Commission or the Parenting Commission is from Deuteronomy 6:5-9. You shall love the Lord your God with all of your heart with all of your soul and with all of your strength. These words which I command you today shall be on your heart, you shall teach them diligently to your children. You should talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk, by the way, and when you lie down and when you rise up, and the list continues, right? In Deuteronomy all of these times we should be loving the Lord our God with all of our heart, with all of our soul, with all of our strength. We should be teaching our children this diligently and talking about the commandments of God all the time.
10:18
But here is where the savior complex, stepping in or self-sacrificing or martyrdom is when women are actually being a poor example to their children and their family. When they’re teaching their daughters that they’re nothing other than what they’re able to serve and give in the aid or help of somebody else, or teaching our sons that women are meant to be servants to others in an unbiblical way and so I think it’s a really fine line between misusing your gifts. And like wearing yourself out in serving others, versus actually teaching and equipping others to be able to serve themselves or to go to God to serve them.
11:05
And so I want to read this passage from Exodus 18:13-25, that God gave me this last night, okay? And this is when Moses went back to see his father-in-law. Right and this is kind of last year with me, I’ll give you just a minute, pause, go grab your scripture, read it for yourselves right along with me. I’m reading from ESV verse 13 starts out, the next day Moses sat to judge the people and the people stood around Moses from morning until evening. And when Moses’ father-in-law saw all that he was doing for the people, he said, What is it that you are doing for the people? Why do you sit alone and all around you from morning till evening? And Moses said his father-in-law because the people come to me to inquire of God when they have a dispute? They come to me and they decide between one person and another, and I make them know the statutes of God and His laws. Moses’ father-in-law said to him, what you are doing is not good. You and the people with you will certainly wear yourselves out for the thing is too heavy for you, you are not able to do it alone.
12:24
Now obey my voice, I will give you advice, and God will be with you. You shall represent the people before God in their cases to God, and you shall warn them about the statutes and the laws and make them know in the way in which they must walk and what they must do. Moreover, Look for able men from all people, men who fear God, who are trustworthy, and hate a bribe. And place such men over the people as chiefs of thousands, of hundreds, of fifties, and of tens, and let them judge the people at all times. Every great matter they shall bring to you but any small matter they shall the decide themselves, so it will be easier for you, and they will bear the burden with you. If you do this, God will direct you and you will be able to endure and all people will also go in their place in peace. So Moses listened to the voice of his father-in-law and did all that he had said. Moses chose able men out of all Israel and made them heads over the people. Chiefs of 1000s, of 100s, of 50s, and of 10s.
13:38
And, Oh my goodness, there is just so much goodness in here. Okay, I think the really fine line in pointing this out is when Moses’ father was like you are carrying this whole burden to kind of be this like, intermediary, if that’s the right word for it, for God to the people, right, because that’s what God called Moses to do. God called you to be a mother to your children. Right? But at some point, you have to do that D from last week’s episode, the four Ds, right? And delegate, you have to be willing to follow the command to raise up your child in the way they should go, right? I often see mothers doing the opposite, creating this people-pleasing mentality and people-pleasing belief in society that we get stuck in these days.
13:48
It happens to young women, you know in high school age, even older women with really poor boundaries that are not leading lives that are filled with joy and love and peace and kindness and goodness and all the fruits of the Spirit because they’re so busy serving and pouring out and stepping in this intermediary role with this like savior complex or this people-pleasing complex, right? And it’s like, this idea that like, If we’re the mom that’s never gotten a babysitter in six years, We’re better than the mom who gets a babysitter all the time. Or if we’re the mom that can’t seem to find time to shower because we’re taking care of and tending to our kids, we’re better than the one who gets ready every day. Or maybe the mom who gets ready every day isn’t as good as the mom who pours herself out for her children all the time. Right? Are you guys following what I’m saying here?
15:35
Just this perspective that we can so easily attach to motherhood about our goodness is in relation to the ability in which we are sacrificing for others. And I know that motherhood is a job that’s never done, right? We’re always on duty. And it’s our job to make sure that we are showing up for our kids, that we are doing our best by leading them by example. But it’s also very, very important to establish boundaries and hold firm to those boundaries. Not just for ourselvles but for our children and for others as well.
16:20
I see a lot of moms who will, for example, ask their children to clean up a mess 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 times and if their child doesn’t, the mom will just go do it. Or moms who literally pour out every last bit of what they have stepping in and filling roles for their children that they were never actually meant to step in and fill. Or moms who of appropriately aged children and well-equipped children wear themselves out preparing multiple meals a day in a place where her children are fully capable of doing it themselves. And so just circling back to this Proverbs 22:6, The Bible tells us to train up a child in the way he should go. When he is old, he will not depart from it. And I believe that a lot of times we as moms can not obey this very commandment of God because we’re laying ourselves down and allowing ourselves to be a doormat in place of training them up in the way they should go.
17:19
A lot of times we’re choosing not to train them because it might be a little bit more difficult in the moment and just to encourage you that, in the moment. Those decisions that we make in the moment are truly not best in the long term, like nine times out of 10. Right?
17:52
And I get it like maybe we’re frustrated. Maybe we’ve been pouring out so much that we’d rather just do it than teach them to do it on their own. If that’s the exception to your state of living, that’s one thing, but I think it’s really important to ask ourselves in these situations, if the actions we’re choosing are truly what is training our child up and what is best for them and showing them what it is like to grow up, to have accountability, personal responsibility, and to love and serve the Lord, and making sure that we are not stepping in as Savior in those roles or those circumstances that we are not actually meant to.
18:36
And there’s a saying that you can’t pour from an empty cup, right? You’ve heard it before. And there’s a post that was floating around social media for some time talking about Christian moms pouring from an empty cup and almost flips the script on the saying and while I do fully agree that we are to be filled with Christ, right, we are to be seeking Him and His strength. That we are made perfect in our weakness because that is when His strengths come in.
19:06
But at the same time, if you are not making the time to seek Him daily if you’re not prioritizing that in your life, because you’re too busy “Martha-ing” for everyone else and if you’re not making time to get quiet in His Word and praying unceasingly but seeking Him daily, seeking His presence daily in the quiet and stillness, living from the fruit of the spirit in all circumstances and being an example to your kids of that then you’re truly not living from His strength. Right?
19:14
And if you’re not prioritizing that in your life, then you’re doing it backward, right? I do believe 2 Corinthians 12:9, that His Grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in our weakness, and do believe Philippians 4:13, that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. And we can say these thigns over and over and over again. We can speak them out as affirmations. We can shout them out loud and sing worship songs that have them in it. But if we’re not truly seeking His presence, and living from that space, then we’re not really serving our family in a biblical way. And we’re not truly training up our children in the way they should go. We’re, instead, laying ourselves down as this self-sacrifice and a martyr for all the times we’ve laid ourselves down and for all the fires that we’ve put out through the day and truly wearing this identity that is a badge of honor for our sheer exhaustion on account of what we didn’t do for ourselves.
20:54
And I’ve heard people say that there’s a problem with “me time”. Or that Christian moms shouldn’t focus on or prioritize self-care because it’s selfish and it’s their job to serve their children or they shouldn’t work out of the home. Or they shouldn’t be pursuing things other than parenting their children at a small age. And I’m not going to get into the whole Biblical self-care. There’s a whole episode, free training, and lead magnet, and all this stuff that you can get on my website about that right? I do believe it’s incredibly important for moms to prioritize that soul care aspect of self-care. We should be making sure that our vertical relationship with the Lord is in good standing, that we are seeking His presence and being filled up by Him daily and regularly so that we are able to pour out His love and His fruits and His peace into others, right?
21:57
But if we’re living in this space of chaos and overwhelm constantly, then it’s a good indicator that a lot of expectations that we’ve put on ourselves of what we need to or should be doing as mothers. Or how we should be grateful and we should be enjoying the struggle. We should be enough. Then beating ourselves up that we’re not doing enough because we didn’t sacrifice enough. All of this stuff is very poor mindset is what it is. And I think it’s really, really important to remember as moms that God loves our children more than we do. We are so limited in our thinking, right? His ways are higher than ours. His thoughts are higher than ours.
22:49
And all throughout Scripture, there is a line, there is a ribbon, a thread that shows this unimaginable love that God has for us and He loves our children with that same love. And He wants us to instruct them and train them up in the way that they should go just like He has done for us. Right? He’s going to provide the people that are going to speak to their hearts. He’s going to put in their path the things that are going to cause them to look, to inquire, into Him to help them make their own decisions. They have their own free will. And whether they’re going to follow the way or not.
23:30
But it’s not something that we as moms need to step in, and fall on the sword for them, or force their free will into right? It can be a very dangerous and slippery slope when we are trying to step in between those scenarios and situations that truly the Lord has designed to work and build character in them. And so to wrap all of this up in a way that can sum up a lot of this is this possessive parenting or helicopter parenting, this self-sacrificial parenting, martyrdom, savior complex, whatever you want to call it. All of these things are and have the capacity to produce fruits in our children that will cause them to be unable to exercise their own self-control. We can so easily undermine their own problem-solving abilities and their ability to make decisions. We can stand in the way of them growing into their own personhood in their own identity in Christ.
24:45
My husband and I were actually walking through The Art of Parenting Bible study curriculum through Family Life and one of the speakers in there, he said the biggest way to make someone dysfunctional, is to be overly functional in their space to prevent them from carrying their own weight and lacking in discipline, instead, overserving in that area. So, I just want to encourage you in this now that we’vve discussed, now that this ois brought to light, is there somewhere that yo’re seeing yourself showing up from a place of self-sacrifice, instead of allowing the Lord to be the sacrifice for all? Is there a way that you’re maybe stepping in and preventing the Holy Spirit from working in the lives of your children. It’s a very fine line. And I really do want to encourage you to sit in this space and ask yourselves where am I possibly taking on the role of savior for my children? Where am I I stratifying myself against other moms or comparing myself to other moms, in terms of our ability or willingness to sacrifice ourselves for our children?
26:11
And sisters, I know that a harmonious life is possible that we can live a life in pursuit and in honor of your family and of God simultaneously. And sometimes, it comes down to equipping our children to do the things that they need to do for themselves. Without us waiting on their every hand and foot and their every need, okay? There’s time and place, and there are seasons right, sometimes we can put ourselves in the position of being too much for our children or doing too much for our children, and so I want to encourage you to lay down that requirement or expectation of self-sacrifice, and instead show up from a space of where you can serve with the greatest fruit produced, where you can train them up and equip them into having good boundaries and being good stewards of their own gifts and resources. And where you can equip them to problem solve and overcome struggles on their own.
27:19
Right, just like this passage in Exodus, where Moses’ father-in-law, said, This is too big a burden for you to carry on your own, you need to train them up and equip them to be able to settle these disputes and, and come to conclusions on these problems all on their own. You teach them God’s laws, right. And I think this is where this passage in Deuteronomy 6 has really given this fuller picture, right. And in this idea of training and equipping our children in the way that they should go, it’s not our place to constantly do it all, but our place to equip them to be able to do their own.
28:05
And again, it’s definitely a fine line. And so I would love, love, love some conversation with you all about this. So if you’re listening and you’re not already in the Intentional Momlife With Jesus community, please jump in. Every week we post a prompt or a reminder or something like that about the podcast episode. And I want to encourage discussion around them.
28:29
What are your takeaways from the episode? What are your thoughts on what has been said? Do you completely disagree? Do you completely agree? Are you in partial agreement? What questions do you have? What concerns come up for you? What convictions might you be feeling? Is there something that I said that you agree like this is a very fine line, or somewhere where you’re seeing yourself in this playing out? What is the Lord showing you in all of this? I’m asking 100,000 questions here. And I encourage you take some time, sit with a notepad, pray, journal it out, or jump into the Intentional Momlife With Jesus community, and chat with us over there about it. All right, thanks so much for taking the time to listen. God bless you, sister, and have an amazing week.
More about your Podcast Host
Sasha Star Robertson is an Intentional Living & Biblical Mindset Coach for busy Christian moms, wife of 13 years to her best friend, boy mom (blessed by adoption), travel addict, and Jesus freak. She is the founder of The Intentional Abundance Co., curator of the Life & Goals Planner, & host of the Intentional Momlife with Jesus Podcast.
Would you benefit from having a coach helping you live Productively Peaceful days digging into Faithful Foundations, Purposeful Priorities, Mindset Mastery, & Simple Selfcare? This question is rhetorical, everyone would! Schedule a consult with Sasha to learn more about the IAM Coaching Program and to see if you’d be a good it. https://calendly.com/intentionalabundanceco/iamconsult
Desiring Community?
You’re invited to join us in the Productively Peaceful Moms Club over on facebook! It’s a safe space where we can show up vulnerably and encourage each other, where ere share the mission of being the best mommas we can be through the grace and strength of Jesus Christ, where we encourage consistency and are able to hold each other accountable. We share scripture and talk about podcast episodes and pray for each other and set goals and so much more! You’re more than welcome here, you’re wanted here! https://www.facebook.com/groups/IntentionalAbundance
Intentional Momlife with Jesus 